Is Christian Marriage Sexist?
Many in my generation are concerned Christianity is oppressive to women, the product of a tyrannical patriarchy that remains alive and well today. Christian Gen Zers, who were raised in a largely egalitarian society (at least in the West), will understandably find these accusations troubling. Seeds of doubt will begin to sprout in their mind, and they will wonder why the husband is referred to as the spiritual leader of the household. Does this mean the wife has to submit to every demand imaginable? What, precisely, does “submit” mean? Why can’t a woman lead the household? Doesn’t this make Christian marriages unequal by nature? Is this just a tool of the patriarchy used to further subjugate women and keep men in power?
All are completely natural questions to ask. Recently, when I was tutoring at my local community college, two of my atheist colleagues questioned me along these same lines. These are hot-button issues, and any endeavor to respond to them must provide a clear understanding of the Christian view regarding the roles of men and women, as well as the rationale behind those views. We will start by exploring how scripture instructs believers to structure their marriage and their home. This is part of a larger passage in the book of Ephesians, with this portion being subtitled as “Instructions for Christian Households.”
Ephesians 5:21-24
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
A lot of Gen Zers may see this as a “problem” passage. It pretty clearly states that husbands are to lead their wives. Wouldn’t this make the household rife with inequality and stifle women from realizing how powerful and valuable they truly are? That is a possible premise the modern reader may adopt upon reading these verses.
There are problems with this assessment, though. For one, it completely ignores the first verse in this passage, which instructs husbands and wives to submit to each other out of “reverence” for Jesus. Instantly, the model for Christian marriage is set: it is a mutual dying to the self in order to honor and serve Jesus Christ together–as well as to honor and serve each other. It is strange to never hear critics of Christian marriage mention this verse!
As for the ensuing verses, objecting them on the basis of sexism is to approach this passage with the belief that value and authority are directly correlative (i.e. the more authority a person has, the more valuable they are). That is a belief to which for-profit corporations adhere–you need not take it with you into your marriage. In the business world, the manager has more value than the regular employee. The branch supervisor has more value than the manager. The district supervisor has more value than the branch supervisor, and the CEO has more value than everyone. This principle does not translate into marriage. A husband’s headship does not mean he harbors more value, or is somehow a higher form of person, than his wife because authority and value are not interwoven concepts, rising when the other rises and falling when the other falls. In the Christian household, husband and wife hold differing levels of spiritual authority, but their value and dignity as persons remains the same. If this does not sound right to us, it is likely because we live in a society obsessed with career and fixated on climbing the corporate hierarchy.
The reason I know value and dignity are not correlative in the Christian marriage is because they are not correlative in the Trinitarian relationship. In the infinitely loving and relational union of the three Persons that make up God, each Person holds equal value while wielding differing levels of authority. The Father is the ultimate authority. He sets direction, sends out the Son and the Holy Spirit, and They submit to His headship completely. This is why Jesus prays “not my will, but yours be done” to the Father in Luke 22:42. It is also why He declares in John 6:38 that He has “come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me.” And yet, Jesus is equal in value to the Father. The same goes, then, for the husband and wife.
The second reason the husband and wife have different roles, and thus differing levels of authority, is also not rooted in primitive sexism–instead it is rooted in the holy relationship marriage is supposed to represent. As creatures made in the image of God, one of the primary ways we glorify and enjoy Him is by reflecting that image in each facet of life, from modeling our service to our neighbors after Jesus’ self-sacrificial servanthood to living in loving community with others as God lives in loving community within the holy Trinitarian union. This same principle takes form in the marriage relationship through the illustration it provides of Jesus Christ’s passionate love for His Church.
You will notice Paul writes in no uncertain terms the “part” each spouse is to play in order to point to this larger truth. The husband is “the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church,” meaning the man plays the role of Jesus; and “as the church submits to Christ, so also should wives submit to their husbands in everything,” meaning the wife plays the role of the Church.
One may wonder why they ought to structure their marriage in this fashion, as opposed to one that is more politically correct or otherwise egalitarian. My answer is that God gave you free will; you can do whatever you like. However, you deviate from the established order of the Highest Good at your own risk. Ponder for a moment about the relationship God calls marriage to imitate. Christ loved the Church so much that He dedicated His life to saving her, even giving up His body, dignity, and ultimately His life. The Church, in return, is to live a life of adoration and self-sacrifice for Jesus Christ out of respect and gratitude. This interaction is a display of complete love in which both parties die to themselves for the sake of the other, a principle which applies to the marriage relationship rather effectively, and no humanly devised structure for marriage will come close to emulating this beautiful love.
If, after all this, some Gen Zers or other struggling believers still found the “disparity” between the sexes in Christian marriage too large a pill to swallow, I would humbly suggest they read the rest of this passage. Thus far, we have mostly covered scripture’s instructions for wives, and any mention of the husband’s duty has only been in relation to this. Let’s read its in-depth description on the obligations of the married man. As you do so, take note of how much longer this passage is than the one directed towards the women.
Ephesians 5:25-33
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Anyone who suggests the Christian marriage structure is designed to reduce women to housemaid status and only benefit men needs to read carefully the responsibilities of the husband and reconsider whether they can make such claims in good faith.
The Christian husband carries a profound responsibility. His leadership status within the family unit is not in place for the purpose of prioritizing his own needs; it is there so he may die to his own desires and prioritize the well-being–be it physical, spiritual, or emotional–of his wife. He is entrusted with the purpose-giving calling of protecting and providing for her. Giving her a household where she feels valued. Cherished. Loved. Putting her before himself in every situation.
In practical terms, this means being willing to die before allowing any harm to come her way. It means providing for her physically with the necessities to live and emotionally by being present in her moments of triumph and her times of darkest despair. It means ensuring she is part of a larger spiritual community that fosters her intimacy with the Lord and provides her with opportunities to serve God. It means praying for her spiritual growth daily and encouraging her in the use of her spiritual gifts. The husband who consistently fails to do this has done more than just fail in his marriage, although he has certainly done that–he has failed at manhood itself. A large part of what makes a Christian man masculine is how he relates to his wife–more specifically, how effectively he serves her, and to serve her well is to serve God well.
To close this discussion, I will restate this important truth: the spiritual leadership of the husband is not enacted to serve him. It is there to serve God through serving his wife.
